I Drove A BMW 435i And It Bored Me Senseless

BMW is a very polarising marque, so let's get it on the table right off - I actually don't mind BMWs at all. Until very recently I actually daily drove a 5 Series estate from way back when and, for a car bought off eBay for a grand with 160,000 miles on it, it was a reliable, fun and tough old beast which made an intoxicating straight six bellow and indulged just about every aspect of my childishness.

So when the opportunity came up to have forty minutes with the top of the range (until the M4 shows up) BMW 435i, I didn't need asking twice.

Despite being billed as the coupe version of the 3, the 4 Series is a surprisingly different car. Almost nothing behind the windscreen is shared with the 3 series, and it's lower and stiffer than its saloon/estate brother, for a more sports-oriented drive.

Climbing into it generated the first disappointment though. While the seats are absolutely bang on and freely adjustable to get the position right, and the massive display screen in the centre console is easily the clearest unit I've ever seen - helpfully tilted slightly towards the driver - the rest of the cabin is a bland, dreary hole. The swathes of black everywhere - with some of it made a bit shiny as an afterthought - would be pretty poor showing in a bought-for-the-badge base model, but this is a £48,000 car (with options)!

Getting into the back is not quite a contortionist's nightmare, but it's no easy feat. I'm an average-sized driver and with the seat in my position, there was nothing dignified about my attempts to get into the rear seats - wonderfully supportive though they were - and with the seat back put into position, my lower limbs became a painful memory.

But you don't buy a coupe to put people in the back and you don't buy the range topper for the ambiance. You buy it to drive.

The 435i is powered by BMW's top "TwinPower" engine - a 3-litre straight six turbo kicking out 305hp up near 6000rpm and 290lbft right the way through the bottom and middle rev range. It goes like the clappers, ticking over speed numbers on the neat heads-up display at alarming pace - but you never really feel or hear it.

It's disappointingly muted in the cabin. Sure, it makes conversation with your passengers more civilised at uncivilised speeds, but a BMW straight six is one of the most glorious noises in motoring - dampening it down to a faint whoosh is practically criminal.

It never feels dramatic either. The gain of speed is linear and there's no exuberance to it - that it takes just 5.1 seconds to hit 60mph came as a massive surprise to me because, despite giving it as much beanage as the local laws would allow, it felt no faster than the new Skoda Octavia vRS I drove the same day.

It's little better on the fun roads my old 5er used to relish. I'm sure it holds the roads better, keeps a higher average speed and is objectively faster, but it's done with such robotic joylessness it almost feels like the driver isn't really part of the process. It really is the car your granny could drive just as fast as you - so what's the point of you driving it?

While I may be on a bit of a downer with the poor 4 Series, I should point out that it's by no stretch of the imagination a bad car. It's extremely well put together, actually quite handsome and it has genuine pace everywhere. The ride is very good indeed - almost completely unfazed by the semi-rural route through West Yorkshire - and even if there are two of you and you have two younger kids, you could run the 4er as your only car with ease and satisfaction.

But I'm a massive child and I like my sports cars to be bonkers. The competent, conservative 435i just didn't grab me. Hopefully the brutality of the 430hp M4 will drag the fun out of the chassis, the active noise making it sound like a BMW, while a smarter cabin for the flagship would be ideal.

As for the 435i? It bored me rigid.