The New Audi RS3 Is A Face-Melting Hyper Hatch You Simply Won't Fall In Love With

Traction control off, drive mode switched to ‘dynamic’. Left foot on the brake, right foot on the accelerator. The revs are bouncing off the in-built launch control limiter at about 4000rpm as the boost gauge fills; the final block is lit and I release the brakes. The car squats and all four tyres make a valiant effort to slam 362bhp into the tarmac. The systems allow for a little slip, and the car noticeably squirms for a split second before catapulting me towards the first left-hander.

30 seconds earlier, I’d crawled to a stop in front of a red light at the foot of the famous Shelsley Hill Climb in the gorgeous depths of the English countryside. My guts were gargling with nerves thanks to two thoughts vying for dominance in my mind. Firstly, could I keep my competitive nature in check just enough to put in a good time up the hill without running out of talent and becoming the first person to bin a new Audi RS3, and secondly, just how much would this tight hill climb highlight how heavy this car feels when you change direction.

You see, although this car is lighter than the outgoing model (now 1520kg), it still feels heavy when you chuck it about. It does take a while to realise this, though, as the all-encompassing pace and theatre this car commands frazzles your brain and induces the kind of gormless giggling that mutes rational thought.

Get your faculties in check for a moment, and you start to understand why it’s so bloody fast. The 2.5-litre five-cylinder TFSI engine makes 362bhp and 343lb ft of torque. The quattro all-wheel drive system has a say in the ridiculous 0-62mph time of 4.2sec, and if you keep your foot in, 0-124mph takes just 15.8sec. Oh, and if you tick the right box, the derestricted top speed is 174mph. Let’s be frank, if I’d written those figures for a new car just 10 years ago, I’d probably be talking about a supercar.

The first hour of road driving is dominated by my inner child, accelerating hard from every junction and easing back from the cars in front just so I can plant my foot. I’m convoying with another RS3, and out on the motorway, we take it in turns to fly past each other to share that beefy exhaust noise. I know the snap, crackle and pop is totally engineered, but I don’t care; this car sounds like machine gun fire in a distant earthquake.

We’re in the Cotswolds on England’s western edge, a region that apparently decided it was happy with how things looked in 1800, so just stopped building stuff. After diving off the motorway, we cruise into picturesque villages, shattering the serenity with all the subtlety of a rabid dog. Exhaust pops echo off pubs older than time itself.

This car sounds like machine gun fire in a distant earthquake.

And then, suddenly, ancient cottages give way to open hillside, and we’re free to stretch the RS3’s legs. I compose myself and switch to serious car reviewer mode. Foot to the floor, the pace is still strong enough to raise a smirk. It’s not frenetic, rather an assured surge that just picks you up and slings you into the vanishing point.

The ride is fantastic, largely due to the magnetic ride adaptive damping. It allows a firmer ride when you’re pressing on in Dynamic mode, while softening up when you want to relax in Comfort.

As the road gets twistier, the excitement begins to fade, though. The pace you can carry through sweeping corners is incredible, and the steering feedback is decent enough, but you never really lose the sense that this is a hefty car. There’s not a huge amount of roll, it just feels a little lethargic in response to your steering inputs, as if there’s an estate-like length getting dragged along behind you.

The wave profile brake discs - an idea Audi borrowed off stablemates Ducati - provide ridiculously capable stopping power. The design allows for heat to dissipate more quickly, reducing fade, and the eight-piston callipers at the front and single-piston floating callipers at the rear grip the discs in a way that’ll launch unprepared passengers into the dashboard. After a day of getting abused up the hill climb, no cars suffer any fade; optional carbon-ceramic discs will be available at the end of the year, but I’m not sure you’d need them on anything other than a Ring Taxi.

As with all of Audi’s RS models, the RS3 comes with the latest iteration of its quattro system. For outright pace in all conditions, it’s sublime, but on the broken, dry tarmac that made up our test route, it felt a bit too busy. The Haldex system can shift torque around to the wheels with the most grip, and it’s a bizarre sensation feeling power move about beneath you as you accelerate away from tighter bends. The problem here is that it instills an element of doubt in your mind about which wheel might get the power.

Furthermore, although you can turn off traction control, with the torque shifting about there’s always computer trickery playing with your grip. At one point on the hill climb I got a little too aggressive in a change of direction and the rear started to slide. The Haldex did its thing and I was bogged down for a split second; it was just enough to throw my rhythm off completely.

Interestingly, I never had this problem with the system in the awesome TT S. There, it always felt like it was working with you to tidy up your line. I can only surmise that the extra power, weight and higher centre of gravity in the RS3 act to numb the Haldex system’s brilliance slightly.

The hill climb doesn’t necessarily kill the RS3’s appeal, but it does highlight the fact that this is not a nimble, chuckable package like, say, a Megane RS Trophy. The thing is, it’s not really meant to be. This is point and squirt performance of the highest order, and in that respect it excels. You’ll never tire of flicking the left paddle down the slick seven-speed S-tronic gearbox and planting your foot; the response is instant, the grip is phenomenal and the sound is as gruff as you’d want from a horizon-bashing hyper hatch.

Overall I can forgive its slight aloofness in the twisty bits for that monumental shove under your right foot. The only question that remains unanswered for me is whether I could live with a car that so lacks in character. It’s that indescribable sensation that makes a car so desirable, and I’m not sure the RS3 possesses it. It’s actually how I’ve felt about every Audi RS car I’ve ever driven; they feel so safe, so assured and so capable that you’re left feeling like an inconsequential cog in a greater machine.

It’s a soulless weapon, this RS3, and I feel like I need to spend a lot more time with one to see if there’s the sort of quirky personality a 362bhp hatchback should undeniably have - after all, forgetting practicalities, you could have an Alfa 4C for this money.

I think it’s time to give Audi another call…