3 Modern Driver Aids Petrolheads Must Ban From Their Lives

Turn the clocks back a few years and you’ll remember that driving was different. Lane departure warning? That used to be the horn of the bloke you were about to crash into. Auto braking in the city? Nope, the only way the car would have stopped itself was when the wall or truck was done playing with your crumple zones (and your face).

The point I’m getting at, is that cars do so much for us these days, that any old fool can get behind the wheel and drive with their eyes closed. And while I admit that some modern driver aids are brilliant - I love cruise control - there are others that do little more than to limit our fun and get in the way. So with that in mind, here are the driver aids we as car lovers should ban from our lives:

1. Traction control

Traction control in modern cars (especially cars with decent power) is as useful as having a bare-knuckle boxing fight with really soft gloves on; you’ve got the power, but just can’t land a hard punch.

In the car world, this frustrating phenomenon occurs when you stab at the throttle, at which point the heroic Traction Control jumps in like a horny teenager and cuts all power. ‘God damn it, car, I meant to light up the rear wheels, and at this perfect opportunity (which you’ve taken away from me forever), I didn’t have time to hold the TC button down for three seconds!’

Of course, TC is useful at times (for example in really bad weather), but we’re car lovers. We don’t drive our precious when there’s a risk of wrecking.

Traction Control - you’re banned from my life.

2. Parking sensors

OK, if you drive a truck, van or something really big, then knock yourselves out. But for everyone else, parking sensors should be banned. Why? Because if you can’t park a normal-sized car without the ‘Beeeeeep, Beeeep, Beeep, Beep, BeeeEEEEEEEEEP’, then I feel sorry for your spatial awareness (and the cars that you just hit).

Then there’s the fact that most parking sensors are rubbish: ‘Oh, you wanted me beep for that pole? Sorry about that’…yeah this happens a lot. And how annoying is it when you’re stuck in traffic and people walk behind or in front of the car? ‘BeeeeEEEEEEP!’

Parking sensors - get out of my life.

3. Adaptive cruise control

Let me start off by saying that I love cruise control, especially when I’m driving in France or Germany where the motorways are less densely populated by idiots. But radar-guided cruise control? Hell no! I’ve used it a handful of times and each time after no more than three minutes I always abandon ship and go old school with my feet.

The reason is simple: radars detect so much of what’s going on in front of the car, that a simple sneeze from the lady five cars ahead triggers the sensors to slow you down. Especially in the UK where we get middle-lane hogs and people who love to overtake, pull in front, then slow back down (which should be punishable by death), radar-guided cruise control should not be a thing. Radar-guided missiles, however? Sign me up!

Adaptive cruise control: stay the hell away from my car!

What other driver aids do you think us petrolheads should ban from our cars?