5 Modern Car Options That I Want Nothing To Do With

Once upon a time, having a car with power windows and a moonroof was the bomb. Obviously times have changed, and while I’m certainly not against the continual advancement of technology, I’m not entirely convinced it won’t lead us to a cataclysmic, apocalyptic end. That’s why I keep all four seasons of the fabulously rebooted Battlestar Galactica nearby as a reminder of what can happen if I let my PC automatically update itself.

Aside from the Skynet fears, more options means more weight and that’s the enemy of performance. If you’re just interested in oozing from point A to point B with as many distractions as possible, I suppose a plethora of increasingly heavy and invasive on-board equipment is fine. Then again, if such things are your primary interest in motoring, why are you even reading Car Throttle?

From an enthusiast (and perhaps a slightly conspiracy-theorist) viewpoint, these are some modern vehicle options that I’ll continue to avoid at all costs.

There is certainly an added measure of safety in systems such as this, but what if I’m driving during the apocalypse (brought on, appropriately, by technology) and I need to ram a zombie in the middle of the road before it eats my brain? The last thing I want is the car to freaking stop by itself so the zombie can get a free meal.

I’m being funny, but swap apocalypse and zombie with night and road rager. I’m not suggesting people take the law into their own hands, but I can easily see situations where ramming someone or something might be necessary. Admittedly that could be a once-in-a-lifetime situation, but what about Honda’s big 2014-2015 recall for Acura SUVs and sedans that were slamming the brakes for no reason?

I know the stats say these active collision-avoidance systems make for safer motoring, but they also encourage drivers to be less aware of their surroundings, not to mention taking human decisions out of the action. Those are bad side effects, and I’m not yet convinced the benefits outweigh the consequences.

2. Factory-installed navigation

There’s nothing wrong with factory-based navigation systems. Or at least, there wasn’t until aftermarket devices became fabulously effective and cheap. If you want a factory nav system on your new car, expect to pay at least £800 for it. Meanwhile, new portable Garmin systems offer all the same tricks like traffic alerts and alternate routes for a tenth of that cost.

I suppose if you buy a used car with factory nav installed it’s not so bad. That is, until you try to update it and discover said updates are infrequent and ridiculously expensive. My 2002 Infiniti has an ancient factory nav system utilizing CD-ROMs, and the newest version I can get (for just one region of the United States mind you) is from 2006 and it costs £100. That’s more than I paid for my portable Garmin GPS, which incidentally covers everything and includes free lifetime map updates that occur regularly. It’s neat to have GPS built into the car, and newer systems at least offer more coverage. But they still require ridiculously expensive map upgrades, and they just aren’t worth it.

My first experience with self-parking was during a media event at a Ford’s world headquarters near Detroit in 2010. Journalists piled into a Lincoln with a Ford rep who explained the system, and then we all proceeded to completely fail at using the system by bumping the wheel or a pedal, bringing it all to a stop. Someone made the comment that, if we were trying to Parallel Park with this system anywhere in Chicago, we’d be shot by angry drivers or arrested for being a public nuisance. It was a joke, but it’s also scary close to the truth.

Here’s the thing. Parallel parking is not hard. We are talking about extremely basic vehicle control at low speed, and if you can’t do it, I frankly question your ability to judge distance and conduct simple maneuvering that should be mandatory to legally drive a car. And it’s not about convenience either, because even the best parallel parking systems used by people who know them well still can’t park a car quicker than a proper driver. So let’s ditch the self-parking features and force people to actually learn the fundamentals of driving.

I spend all day on a computer. I don’t need to spend my time on the road driving one, especially one that could be hacked and driven remotely by random dudes halfway around the world. Cars are for driving; I get that modern cars can be updated over the airwaves, with the likes of Tesla pushing big feature updates while a car is parked, but there’s no denying that this technology opens up a risk of hacking.

Which brings me to a related gripe - Apple/Google/Microsoft integration into cars. My ‘droid already snaps to life at least twice a day because it thinks it hears “okay Google.” Siri at least recognises my voice better, but she still responds quite often when someone says “history,” and if a colourful conversation is taking place, you don’t want to know what she automatically searches the internet for. As for Microsoft, talk to anyone who’s used Ford’s train-wreck Sync system and you’ll realise voice tech is far from perfect. Point being, these AI-ish voice platforms are cool, but they’re still works in progress that have no business being in cars until they’re actually useful.

5. Non-defeatable stability/traction control systems

This isn’t a new option, and I’m absolutely not opposed to having both stability and traction assist on my vehicles - as long as I can disable them. And when I say disable, I mean with a simple push of a button as opposed to cycling through menus of vehicle controls.

Now I will readily admit that this has nothing to do with safety concerns or laziness behind the wheel, though in some low traction situations traction control can actually hinder acceleration. And if I’m bombing down a dirt road and come upon an unexpected bend, a quick Scandinavian Flick can keep me from understeering into a tree. But these are really lame excuses for wanting to be able to hoon behind the wheel, and that can’t happen unless traction and stability systems can be completely shut down. This time it’s not about safety, or awareness - it’s strictly for the fun of it.