5 Rubbish Car Films All Petrolheads Will Love

1. The Transporter

With Jason Statham’s wandering accent (is it American? Is it English? is it a weird mix of both? No idea), a BMW 7-series that sounds weirdly like a single-seater racing car and an utterly hammy script, the first Transporter is - by most measures - a naff film. And yet, it’s so silly it has a certain appeal.

It has the winning formula of cars driving fast and a half cockney/half American strongman beating most of the film’s characters to a pulp in ever more creative ways. And as it’s set in the south of France - one of the coolest film locations ever - we’ll forgive it for being relentlessly cheesy. Subsequent instalments in the franchise and the spin-off series (not all of which even star the Stath) are also rubbish - more so, if anything - but none could capture the terrible genius of the first film.

2. 2 Fast 2 Furious

This list wouldn’t be complete without the most talked about film franchise on CT. While every instalment has issues - plot holes, ludicrously long runways, clumsy dialogue, suspect car performance and 20-speed gearboxes - it’s the second film in the series which is arguably the worst.

Therefore, obviously, it’s the most enjoyable, and the foremost guilty pleasure of the seven flicks. Who can forget the laughable CGI near the beginning? The way Paul Walker’s character says ‘bro’ every few minutes to try and distract us from the fact he’s a not-terribly-cool white dude called Brian? The local plod who think it’s a good idea to shoot zappy EMP things at moving cars?

It’s a great film to relax and watch with your brain turned off; you’ll enjoy yourself so much you won’t even think to ask “where the hell is Vin Diesel?”

3. Taxi 2

The premise of the French Taxi film series is a simple one: there’s a cabbie called Daniel who potters around in an ordinary-looking Peugeot 406 in Marseille, but if he accepts a ride who’s in a real hurry, he has a trick up his sleeve. After prodding a few buttons, this once humble 406 sprouts wings, gets a lot lower, and the wheels push outwards as the track increases.

Of course, if such a thing was even possible in a working car, it’d result in a vehicle that’s jolly heavy, but this film is nonplussed with realism. Something further demonstrated when the car roars away, inexplicably sounding like a single-seater racing car, rather like the BMW in Transporter. Perhaps that’s something to do with Luc Besson, who was the screenwriter and producer for all four of the Taxi films, plus Transporter and Transporter 2.

So, out of the four Taxi films, why have I chosen the second instalment? Well, 3 and 4 (plus the God-awful American remake starring Queen Latifa) strayed from lovable but naff into just plain naff territory, and out of the first two, the second is probably the cheesiest. Oh, and at several points when Daniel gets some air, wings sprout from the sides of his 406, which he can control with a joystick which pops out the dashboard. But you know what? It’s damn good fun to watch, with some entertaining chase scenes involving a trio of Mitsubishi Evo VIs. Definitely one to add to your watch list, along with the first film, where the baddies roll around in super-cool Mercedes 500Es.

4. Gone in 60 Seconds (1974)

It doesn’t happen often, but from time-to-time a remake is actually better than the original. That’s quite possibly the case with Gone in 60 Seconds. The 1998 effort is far from a great film, but it has a fast-paced plot, lots of nice cars and Nicholas Cage’s massively deranged facial expressions. And who can’t love that? The old one is flawed too, but even more so. It’s a plodding, dull watch for the most part, and was made on a shoestring. In fact, to save cash, the director drafted in relatives to flesh out the cast.

The flip side? The climactic car chase - involving a Mustang Mach I, rather than a first-gen Shelby GT500 as in the remake - is quite possibly the best ever committed to film, and is a whole, glorious 40 minutes long.

5. Death Proof

Before anyone shouts at me for having the audacity to criticise any of the great man’s work, bear in mind that I adore Quentin Tarratino’s films. But Death Proof was a rare miss from the director, and even Tarratino himself considers it his weakest film. Frustratingly, the vast majority of the movie’s 114 minutes are dedicated to inane, inconsequential dialogue. Aside from a bonkers scene involving Kurt Russell smashing into a car and running over someone’s face, you wonder if anything at all is going to happen.

Right at the end, though, something does happen: there’s a terrific car chase, involving two of cinema’s most famous cars: a first-generation Dodge Charger (Bullitt) and a first-generation Dodge Challenger (Vanishing Point, something actually mentioned in one of the long stretches of dialogue). It’s not quite enough to make up for the boring trudge that precedes it, but it made the film earn my respect.