7 Deadly Sins These Road Users Should Be Banned For

Filtering through the mainstream media this week was a story that police are to be given new powers to deal with tailgaters and middle-lane morons, by way of on-the-spot fines.

While it's certainly about time, these idiots are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to thoroughly stupid and inconsiderate drivers who need instant rebuke. Here are our suggestions for the next round of upgrades to traffic police powers:

1. Ignoring Double Yellow Lines

Apparently it doesn't count if you're not actually ON the lines

Look guys, it's simple. Double yellow lines are painted where it would be a hazard or an obstruction for you to stop. It doesn't suddenly become okay if you put your hazard lights on, and it's certainly not okay to put a blue badge on the dashboard. Find somewhere to stop that isn't obstructing the flow of traffic.

2. Dawdling When Lost

There's nothing wrong with not really knowing where you are or where you're going. Satnav, Google Maps or even just busting out the road atlas would help, but it's not the end of the world if you get a little bit confused.

The problem comes when you turn yourself into a rolling box of random - dawdling along looking vainly for clues, indicating to turn one moment and then swerving back out the next. We don't know what's going on in your head and we can't predict what you're going to do - and if you ever looked in your mirrors you'd see us keeping a safe distance in exasperation.

Pull over (somewhere safe) and check where you're going without driving a tonne of metal erratically around.

3. Ignoring Keep Clear Markings

Every now and then you'll see yellow boxes painted on the road at junctions. It has a relatively simple meaning: do not drive onto this box if you cannot drive off it without stopping (unless turning right). Their job is to leave junctions clear so that when the lights change there's space for traffic to flow.

But to some drivers these boxes are just some kind of curious street-art and they just queue right through them, snarling up traffic in all directions. Almost all rush hour congestion in town is caused by these people, so this one shouldn't be dealt with by an on-the-spot fine, but an on-the-spot mauling. From a tiger.

4. Pretending To Be A Bus

While it may drive like a bus, you can't fit 56 people in it

Like it or not, many of our citizens don't drive. Some of them - through youth, age or vegetarianism - group together on buses and, while buses rarely go where you want, they need to stop occasionally. For this purpose there are special places call bus stops, some of which are even recessed from the road so the stopping bus doesn't hold up traffic.

A small cadre of drivers labour under the illusion that they qualify as buses and will abandon their cars in bus stops - usually accompanied by their hazard lights - while they pop into a shop, forcing the bus to stop in the road, blocking traffic. When I come to power, these people will have their licences confiscated and destroyed on the spot, never mind fines.

5. Roundabouticators

Somewhere, there's a driving school that teaches people that when you go straight on (or second exit) at a standard four-way roundabout, you indicate right and then left.

I don't know who they are, but I will find them and I will beat them with a hardback copy of the Highway Code.

6. Arrogant Cyclists

No article about bad behaviour on roads is complete without cyclists. Let's kick the cliche into touch to start with - not all cyclists are a menace. The ones that do their job mostly well most of the time - like most drivers - are fine and we won't berate them for the occasional error.

It's the hordes of bad cyclists that are the problem. The ones that can't even be bothered to meet the three or four legal conditions for riding on the road, the ones who don't even ride on the road, the ones with no time or patience or concept that they are unprotected amongst the motorists they denigrate and should keep a safe distance to avoid being crushed to death.

If you cycle across a pedestrian crossing or through red traffic lights, you should not only be fined on the spot, but have your bike taken from you and recycled for scrap.

7. Self Righteousness

I say without exaggeration that 'road captains' are the worst people in Britain and should be locked away for a very, very long time.

You'll almost certainly have encountered them. Doddering farts in Vauxhall Agilas who treat you to a dose of main beam when you pass them doing 27mph - or worse, the ones in the Ford Focus who swerve out in front of you on a dual carriageway or motorway and sit in front of you at 56mph because they think you're going too fast.

The irony of the road captain is that they're amongst the top offenders for all of the previous driving habits, but they will actively put lives at risk to hold you up because "speed kills".

If you can think of any other bad habits on the highways that should be subject to on-the-spot fines, let us know in the comments below!