People Who Use Hoverboards Will Be The Death Of The Manual Gearbox

Now before you hover down to the comments section to say WTF is this? Hoverboard Throttle?, just hear me out. These two-wheeled, self-balancing electric scooters of doom are probably quite popular with a lot of you guys, so I’m here to ask you to stop what you’re doing and think about the bigger picture.

The reasons for my hoverboard butthurt are varied, but founded on many years of successful leg usage and the law. Speaking of which, did you know that using hoverboards on the roads and pavements in the UK is actually illegal? The only places you’re allowed to use these things is on private property, so if we bump into each other on a pavement, it’ll always be you who’s at fault.

Now I’ve not used a hoverboard before, so I can’t say that they’re not fun (they do look amusing), but what I can say with certainty, is that they breed laziness, which has concerning long-term effects…

Because using a hoverboard makes you idle, you’ll be 76 per cent more likely (calculated using man logic) to opt for an automatic gearbox-equipped car when the time comes for you to upgrade to four wheels. This in turn means that car makers will stop equipping models with manuals, which is bad news for us people who actually love driving.

Hoverboard usage also means that you’ll put on weight. And more weight means a dramatic decrease in your future car’s power-to-weight figure. Then, because your car’s heavier, you’ll be using more fuel to drive it around. Fuel prices will go up because of the increase in demand, and pollution will soar to unprecedented levels. Car makers will then have to comply with even stricter emissions regulations (except VW, of course) and then we’ll all be lumbered with 0.5-litre, automatic econoboxes with less flair than a well-executed fart.

So please, for the love of driving, use your legs and save the money on something more constructive. Like driving lessons.

Am I alone in my dislike of hoverboards and their very obvious (albeit made up, but entirely plausible) impacts on our motoring futures?

TL;DR - Hoverboards make you lazy and fat, so you’ll buy an auto.