What Does Your Ride Say About You? Here Are 13 Stereotypes

Wannabe Gangster - Chrysler 300C

The problem with being a wannabe gangster is that while you get the attitude for free, the look takes moolah you just ain't got. That's where the 300C comes into its own. For just a few thousand quid you get a butch car that looks like it's walked straight off the set of a Mafia movie. All high waistlines and bold styling, with enough space for you, your homies and their BB gunz, you'll look a lot more big time than you are. Chuck some ridonkulous rims on and you're good to go.

CEO - Maybach

You're the CEO of a big company that sells price-inflated crap to peasant-spec 'normals'. Your car, therefore, needs to speak volumes, which is why you own the ultimate icon of excess, a Maybach. Looking at the thing, it's clear you're a big boss man; your driver perched far enough from you so as not to risk catching 'poor' from him. Laid back in your luxury reclining seat, even the 'base' model has velour floor mats and electrically operated curtains. Shell out a few more bob and you'll get a folding table for you and your plastic wife to eat caviar from. This is how the other half live, and when you see them, you will know them. And you will hate them.

Teacher - Volkswagen Golf

You gotta feel for teachers. Sure, there are all the holidays, but in return for educating the future of our society, they have to put up with rude, smelly, ungrateful little gits. And to make matters worse, they can't even spend their hard-earned on exciting metal, lest a parent catch wind of a role model potentially behaving inappropriately. So they go for something run of the mill. Something safe and reliable that won't get Mrs Double-Barreled's knickers in a twist at parents' evening. It's time for a change! I want my kids taken on school trips in an Elise!

Priest - Toyota Prius

There is no car more appropriate for a priest than a Prius. Prius owners like to preach that batteries in cars will save the world while priests like to preach the word of God. Now I could sit here and talk about the fact they're a good match thanks to their penchant for peddling misguided beliefs, but that might get me in trouble. So instead I'm going to say that it's because Prius sounds a bit like priest...

Hippy - Volkswagen Camper

The ultimate Hippy-mobile. The VW Camper has become synonymous with the 'free love' lifestyle thanks to the fact there's enough room to get high and spread your seed in the back. Do your research and there's probably more to it than that, but here at CT we like to keep things simple. The driver of this vehicle will be a free spirit with dreadlocks and tie-dye in clear view. Or they'll be a rich hipster. One of the two.

Chav - Modified Shitbox

Hollywood would have you believe that car meets involve awesome machinery tuned with F1 levels of precision by unlikely geniuses. In reality you find yourself looking over a 90's Saxo under the dim, orange glow of a Tesco car park. An old work colleague of mine had a Civic that he modified to within an inch of its life. I asked him why he didn't buy a proper sports car rather than modify a runaround. His response? "Can't afford the insurance, bruv." He then continued, boasting that he spends "about 400, maybe 500 quid" modifying it each month. The lesson here? Most chavs are morons.

American - Yank Tanks

The pickup truck is the iconic American vehicle. Sure, I could've stuck a muscle car in here, but nothing says America like a truck does. Pictured here is the insanely popular Ford F150, and it epitomises what an American pickup should be: big, brash and screaming "outta my way!" With gas prices rising the trusty pickup's popularity is starting to wane, but you can always trust a redneck to stick with a truck. Don't want none of these namby-pamby econoboxes in my neck o' the woods, ya hear me?

Girly Car - Ford Ka

Any bloke who drives a Ford Ka is either incredibly comfortable with his sexuality (I drove one once when it was dark, it handles brilliantly) or is too polite to tell his parents the gift they bought isn't really 'him'. If you see a Ka parked up you can guarantee a young lady will turn up with the keys. It is not uncommon to see Hello Kitty merch adorning various parts of the car. (But I've taken those off now).

Hairdresser - Audi TT

It's a bit of a shame, really. The Audi TT is a decent little sports car, but there's no shaking the fact that people will automatically assume you're on your way to the salon. You will probably be wearing too much hairspray, and be driving in inappropriate footwear. Male drivers that do not cut hair will forever be forced to add "but it's the Quattro" upon revealing their pride and joy, even if it's not. It's the only way to preserve your masculinity. Sorry.

'Stanley Herbert' - Range Rover

How do I prove that I am considerably richer than you? By buying a massive car that could, in theory, traverse the most intimidating terrain on planet Earth. And then I shall use it to cruise the streets of Knightsbridge, to intimidate you in your second-hand vehicle as I pick up my pretentiously named children from school. All from a seating position high above you in what I believe is a metaphor for our places in society. Look away, peasant!

Middle Eastern Prince - Crazy Supercar

Anybody who watched Channel 4's Millionaire Boy Racers will now be familiar with the supercar 'problem' in London. It's a problem in the same way that choosing between Emma Stone and Mila Kunis as your dinner date is a problem. But that's besides the point, seeing a supercar on the streets of London means two things. Firstly, that openly racist old codgers will be crying somewhere and secondly, that the son of a rich, Middle Eastern man is having fun. They're the only ones who can afford such extravagance, and we here at CT encourage it!

Old People - Mercedes E-Class

So you've spent 60 years slaving away, and you've finally said good bye to the 9 to 5. A lifetime of saving has left you with money to burn and loads of time to fill, so it's about time you treated yourself. The natural choice is something elegant. Elegant and big. And with your reduced reaction times and failing eye sight you better take it easy. Screw those pesky, impatient kids trying to go places! Don't they know I've got nowhere to be?

Mid-Life Crisis - Porsche Boxster

Hey, yeah, just look at you, you're still hot, you're still sexy, the chicks totally dig you. I mean, it's been about 10 years since you got laid and pretty young girls look the other way now, but you've definitely still got it. Well, just in case, you better get something that'll get you noticed. Show you're still down with the kids. And you've got money! Well, some money, things haven't gone quite as well as you'd hoped. Ah well, she'll just see it's a Porsche, she won't know it's not a 911. Will she?