BMW M135i Review: So Hot They Kept It Fugly

Under the hood

Downsizing you say? Screw that. What we have here is BMW doing what BMW does best. And that is squeezing solid six-cylinder engines into its cars and, when we’re very lucky, strapping a turbocharger on top for bloody good measure.

The M135i is the latest Bimmer to get special M treatment, and here it produces 316bhp from its epic 3.0-litre turbine.

That equates to a top speed of – yup, you guessed it – 155mph, with 62mph clocked in 4.9sec. (that’s the same figure as the 80s Audi Sport Quattro, incidentally).

Behind the wheel

Without sounding like too much of a BMW fan-boy, the M135i features one of the best and most useable interiors around. OK, it lacks the flair and ‘rudeboyness’ of the Mercedes A-class, but everything’s within easy reach and you feel instantly cocooned and comfortable. The steering wheel’s round and squashy too, which makes a nice change!

Away from the BMW-as-usual interior now and on to the 1’s exterior - it’s still Susan Boyle ugly. However, it’s less offensive to look at than the standard versions. Outside, the M gets a nice set of 18s, along with skirts and special bumpers.

Now that the housekeeping’s out of the way, let’s get down to business. What’s the M135i – a car that’s shy the lunatic 1M’s power by just 19bhp - like to drive?

In a nutshell, it’s f**king brilliant. The engine is as responsive as that Rylan Clark creature from X Factor is annoying (extremely), exhaust note a symphony of eargasms and rapid eight-speed gearbox smoother than Obama’s silky voice.

In any gear at any revs, the M135i has reserves of power, which make triple figure digits on abandoned country lanes wholly possible. But not us, officer.

Allow the revs to linger and that six-pot engine fills the cabin with awesome bass – it almost sounds like that synthesized engine note from Forza – which is weird at first, but totally addictive to tap into once you're accustomed.

Despite the M135i’s big bollocks and rear-wheel drive, you’ll be surprised by the excellent grip levels. Fat 245/35 R18 rubber means a healthy tyre-to-tarmac ratio, so only when you plant your right foot like a mental hero will the back step out.

The brilliant suspension and dampers on this thing – hardcore car geeks would call it ‘supple’ – means that the BM’s arse doesn’t skip around like a loon when pushed hard, while its steering is direct, with a heaviness to it that assures you you’re in a very special machine.

Splash the cash?

One thing’s for sure; the BMW M135i ain’t gonna win any beauty contests. While it looks rude, the interior design won’t excite women either, but that’s not the point here; functionality is, and that’s what this car’s got shed loads of.

The reason you should – nay must – buy the M135i is because it’s THE car of the moment. Some people I’ve spoken to about it actually prefer it to the 1M for goodness sake!

But while the 1M remains the pinnacle for me - it was also £10k more expensive when on sale - what I will say is that this car – in which I travelled 900 miles in two days – never failed to put a massive grin on my face. And in my book, that’s the sign of a truly brilliant motor.

BMW: you've really earned your stripes here...

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Photography by Olgun Kordal