Porsche Cayenne GTS Review: And God Said “Let There Be Thunder”

Under the hood

We’ve already covered this one. It’s a V8 of the 4.8-litre variety, which churns out – no punches out like Hurricane Sandy’s wrath – 420bhp.

And just like Sandy, this two-tonne Brutus Maximus is one rapid mother; 62mph is dispatched in 5.7sec and at full chat, the GTS will hit 162mph. That makes it faster than a BMW M5, by the way…

While the eight-speed auto ‘box helps coax an ‘official’ 26mpg from the GTS, you’re not a true petrolhead unless you’re getting a sub-20mpg figure. The noise this mighty motor makes is unreal, inspiring a heavy right foot. (And before you ask again, no, we don’t have any soundbites, but YouTube is your friend).

Behind the wheel

Alcantara, sports seats, loads of red stitching and red seatbelts, the GTS’s interior is a work of chav-spec art. And for that we’re impressed. The outside’s just as impressive thanks to spoilers, rude-boy quad exhausts, red-painted callipers and tasty black alloys.

To say we’re excited to get this show on the road is an understatement. Remember that Mercedes, and in a weird way the Twizy we drove recently? Yup, it’s that kind of ‘OMG-this-is-actually-going-to-happen’ giddiness.

Twist the key, blip the throttle and oh boy, this is going to be a car to remember.

Out on the open road, the GTS’s on-paper performance doesn’t prepare you for the stomach-churning shove you’d expect from a sporty barge. Because the GTS does without turbos, this Cayenne also works its way through the rev band without that back-slapping wallop you’d find in a hot diesel motor.

And the noise? ‘Oh my days’, never before has a V8 sounded so sweet. Flatten the throttle and V8 burble is pumped straight into the cabin, resulting in a shout so angry that you automatically start to make a B-line for the naughty step.

Thanks to Porsche’s optional PDCC anti-roll system (it’s too clever for me to attempt to explain), plus a lower ride height than the poverty-spec Cayenne S, the GTS laughs in the face of body roll and, combined with steering that’s sharper than Bond, clings on like a hero when pushed through obscene angles.

As for the ride, the GTS's is sporty (aka solid), but never harsh. The eight-speeder is decent too, but not as slick as the unit we played with in mental Benters. The brakes on the other hand work as effectively as they look; bloody strong.

Splash the cash?

With a base price of £67k, the GTS is £20k cheaper than the Turbo model, which is 1sec quicker to 62mph and 11mph quicker at the top end. For that reason, the GTS is decent value for money and clearly the rude-boy elite’s Cayenne to go for.

It looks like it belongs in a rap video, drives like a hero and sounds more awesome than God’s invention of thunder. Need we say more?