Why Gandalf Would Not Approve Of The Car Industry's Futile Fashion Fixes

Fashion and the car industry have been an on-off couple ever since the novelty of the horseless carriage wore off. But is this relationship starting to become a little embarrassing?

We’re all consumers and we have to really want something to part with our hard-earned and increasingly precious cash. Fashion creates desirability - it’s more or less integral to daily life - but without it we’d have never had Kate Moss. And you'd have never heard of Rimmel London.

But there’s a line that needs to be respected. If you’re modifying your own car, you’ve got to keep it tasteful or you may as well be driving around with a big neon sign on your roof saying ‘BERK’.

I’m talking about a bigger problem, though. Taste has buggered off leaving design departments to their own devices and the results have been as disastrous as Pete Burns’ face. Would sir like lights dotted around his roof lining to imitate a starry night sky? How about a partially bright yellow dashboard and centre console? Combined with red instrument cluster lighting? Of course, sir.

The Vauxhall Adam is the latest fashion-centric small car to try this, but - because it’s late to the Mini and Fiat 500 party - it’s got to down 12 sambucas in the first five minutes to catch up. Why the hell would I want lights in my roof lining? Just in case I get bored on the motorway and fancy a bit of amateur astronomy? Come off it.

But without the Fiat 500 there’d be no Adam. The cheeky little Italian roller skate is damn likeable in the right trim (TwinAir or Abarth – no exceptions), but get it wrong and you’re in a world of hurt. By the time you’ve chosen your seat trim options, dashboard colour, graphics styles and key fob cover you’ll have a beard like Gandalf’s.

But then without the Mini there’d be no Fiat 500. The original supermini fashion statement and one-time estate agent’s favourite was sold on its looks and customisation potential from day one, despite it being more fun than a weekend with Eva Mendes and 12 cans of squirty cream. The driving fun always played second fiddle to fashion and it still does.

Take the Mini Paceman; a jacked-up hatchback that’s had its roof chopped down to give it a sportier look, in the process making it completely useless as an actual car. All you need to do is add some tasteless bonnet stripes and maybe some eyelashes for the headlights and your invite to the Cannes film festival will be in the post. This sort of infuriating arsing about with car design is enough to make anybody with eyesight vote UKIP.

There have always been rays of hope shining through the multi-coloured murk, though: cars that became fashionable because of the way they drove, or how they were to own. That’s petrolhead fashion; the type that really matters. The VW Golf R32 was always a bit of a let-down to drive, but they’re still popular because they’re special. I’d have one sooner than you could list everything wrong with the McLaren F1 (that’ll be nothing, then).

The champion of the cause has to be the humble Renaultsport Clio. Only the 182 Trophy really nailed the looks; the others weren’t so hot. But because of the way they drive, capable of pulling any of their direct rivals’ pants down over B-roads, they’re just about the most fashionable cars people without fat bank accounts can buy.

So listen up, car industry. Lay off the Gok autobiography and knock some taste into your current lineups. Or you shall not pass my wallet's leathery enclosure.